Back in the early 2000s, when comedy movies used words like “retard” and fat jokes were standard, there were a couple that stuck with me. In Shallow Hal I remember reference to something about a woman being “2 bills.” Then in There’s Something About Mary the PI refers to a woman as a “deuce, deuce and a half.” Back then I was at my thinnest — between 160 and 170 pounds, but those phrases stuck with me through the years.

I remember as I crept closer to 180 I started to freak out, and when I was pregnant and I topped 200 for the first time my self-worth plummeted. Legit ::poof:: tanked.

So why did these phrases stick with me before I ever knew that I would have PCOS, before I ever knew how hard it would be to get rid of pregnancy weight? Because I knew that would eventually be me. See my mom has struggled with her weight my entire life. She was a fit and trim, beautiful woman of the 1970s and early ’80s with the Farrah Fawcett feathered hair. But then she had kids and the weight just kept coming. I remember all the ways she’d try to fight it, and I know that to this day she still struggles with it.

It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I mentioned that perhaps she, too, suffers from insulin resistance. That conversation didn’t go much further because I just don’t have that kind of relationship with my mother.

I’m closing in on the lower 200s. After my weigh in today I have 9 pounds until I’m back in the “1 Buck Club.” I never thought I would get back there and I’m pushing hard for it. I’d like to say that dumb comedies from 20 years ago don’t have much affect on me or my self-worth, but they obviously did. Those messages where men are dismissing a woman’s attractiveness by guessing her weight in such a casual way laid a groundwork within me. That stinks.

I’d like to say that dumb comedies from 20 years ago don’t have much affect on me or my self-worth, but they obviously did.

I watched a late-night commentator talking about how we, as people, evolve. About how each generation is like a newer version of human with updates and improvements, and how we can’t expect that we are the best and final version. The comedies I grew up with were flawed, but society doesn’t accept that kind of talk any more. As Peanut and Bubs get older, they won’t have these notions planted in their heads — hopefully. Without those seeds they will — hopefully — be newer, improved versions that don’t use dumb labels to denigrate others. Most of all, I hope without those notions they won’t someday apply them to themselves and their worth.