I went to bed last night convinced that I was insane. That I needed therapy or to be medicated because I feel like I’ve completely lost myself in the chaos of my daily life. I woke up this morning intent on looking up in-network therapists or psychiatrists because I had this impression that what I am feeling is not normal and just can’t solve it alone.
I called a good friend and I poured out my heart. Her response was literally perfect: not only am I not insane, but every mother has a season of self-doubt and sacrifice. It is incredibly hard, and you’re struggling to stay afloat in the midst of daily onslaughts of high-needs children. She described the season for her, and told me that it gets better. The kids get bigger and they don’t need you as much. That as they develop they don’t need you as much and that is when you get to re-establish yourself and your identity.
It was exactly what I needed.
Today I deleted Facebook and Instagram from my phone. I took down all negative references in this blog about my children. I’m going to weather this season, but it won’t be publicly. I have a handful of friends who I trust to know about this storm, but I’m not emotionally strong enough to defend myself against those who mean well but just don’t understand.
I was able to make it back to a different gym today, one in which the child watch wasn’t full of screens. It was wonderful, both to exercise and to pick up a well-balanced little boy afterward.
Here’s to weathering your seasons with grace.