I’ve never in my life been as heavy as I am right now.
On top of everything going on right now with quarantining and social distancing and lack of alone time and too much alone time and comfort eating we now have a new crisis. The crisis isn’t even weight, because let’s face it, I’ve been heavy for the past decade. This one is more of the stench of self-loathing that comes with giving in to comfort eating for the past 51 days that has thrown even more burden onto my already burdened shoulders.
I tried intermittent fasting. It just doesn’t work for me. I wake up early in the morning and get most of my productivity out of the way before I have family to take care of. During quarantine, I’ve been waking up later. Doesn’t mean I’ve been getting more sleep, because I don’t think anyone has quality sleep these days. But having that ache of hunger in the morning has sucked out all the joy. By the time the family is awake and stumbling downstairs I am a grumpy mess. The morning fast is so long because I put a premium on that dinner with the family.
So a few days ago I just stopped Quaran16ing. I didn’t have any weight loss, I wasn’t feeling any better and I was so angry. Hubs immediately noticed that I was a happier person.
This morning I reinstalled MyFitnessPal on my phone. I know what works and I need to get back to those basics:
- Keep carb intake to 60g per day
- Keep myself mentally and physically busy so I don’t fixate on what I’m not eating
- Weight lifting has to happen daily
Edit: No less than 30 minutes after having posted and feeling thoroughly defeated I let the dog out in the backyard and noticed a baby bird poking its head out of the birdhouse next to my kitchen window. I grabbed my camera and caught it leaving its nest. I was in tears.
I was immediately reminded of the Bible verse about how God feeds the birds:
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26
My soul is in need of nourishment. If I get that right, the rest is unnecessary.